25M
I've had clinical depression since 12 years old but thankfully at 21 I finally got medicated which made me able to make some drastic changes in my life and I'm now in an objectively better situation with at least more life experience than one might expect for someone like me.
But I've come to the conclusion that I have always and will always have: very little motivation. What I mean by that is that I usually have very little intrinsic motivation to do stuff (even though I might still do them), possibly because I just never feel as much joy/happy chemicals from doing the thing as the random person? Therefore, most of the motivation I do have comes from the knowledge that things will be even worse if I don't do certain stuff, and not like 'this thing/activity looks cool let me do it'.
Examples:
- If I don't take care of my space and keep it clean I'll feel bad and embarrassed about it and possibly get sick.
- If I don't keep up with my education I'll remain stuck with lower wages.
- If I don't maintain relationships with certain people and hang out doing stuff I might not necessarily like I'll feel very lonely and even worse about myself.
- If I don't at least try and date/approach people even for acquaintanceship I'll feel even worse about the fact that I haven't tried.
I hope people understand what I'm trying to say.
One of the things that really kills me inside is the fact that I'm not very passionate about anything or have any 'cool' hobbies. Statistics and common sense show that passion for something, anything, makes a person very attractive. I just happen to have multiple things that I try to do and then abandon and then go back to from time to time in a cycle. Not really any hobbies save from video games.
And it really hit me how embarrassing this is 2 days ago when I was at a dating event. Granted I was not in a good state of mind (or body) when I attended and nobody really stuck out to me (I am aware of how hypocritical that statement is). But when the guy I was talking to asked me 'what I do for fun' my response was very telling.
I have faked responses to this before (or rather was in a better state where I was trying out some hobbies). But this time I just couldn’t fake it or give a much better response. I said something like: ‘Oh I bounce around many different things like X and Y, I just try lots of things and go wherever my friends drag me’.
‘Drag me’. ‘Drag me’. Because yeah, that’s how I feel the majority of the time. That I just drag myself around as if life is all one big chore.
I know that it is necessary to think if one is really ready to date. But what's also objectively as common is that people keep moving the goalposts regarding when and what 'ready' means. That they have to have reached this or that goal, bought this or that thing to be ready. And if it keeps going like that you'll never end up dating.
I don't know I'm just trying to find a balance but it's hard for me. The perfect scenerio is obviously that a relationship forms organically without trying too hard. But the chances of that happening are not too high for most people in the world we currently live in.
